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promise。 Gabriel knew that when he entered shewould not ask him where he had been； she would not reproach him； and her eyes； even when sheclosed her lids to sleep； would follows him everywhere。
Later； since it was Sunday； some of the brothers and sisters would e to her； to sing andpray around her bed。 And she would pray for him； sitting up in bed unaided； her head lifted； hervoice steady； while he； kneeling in a corner of the room； trembled and almost wished that shewould die； and trembled again at this testimony to the desperate wickedness of his heart； andprayed without words to be forgiven。 For he had no words when he knelt before the throne。 And hefeared to make a vow before Heaven until he had the strength to keep it。 And yet he knew that untilhe made the vow he would never find the strength。
For he desired in his soul； with fear and trembling； all the glories that his mother prayed heshould find。 Yes； he wanted power—he wanted to know himself to be the Lord’s anointed； Hiswell…beloved； and worthy； nearly； of that snow…white dove which had been sent down fromHeaven to testify that Jesus was the son of God。 He wanted to be the master； to speak with thatauthority which could only e from God。 It was later to bee his proud testimony that hehated his sins—even as he ran toward sin； even as he sinned。 He hated the evil that lived in hisbody； and he feared it； as he feared and heated the
Part 3 The Threshing…floor
Then said I； Woe is me！ for I amundone； because I am a man of uncleanlips； and dwell in the midst of apeople of unclean lips； for mine eyeshave seen the king； the Lord of hosts。
Then I buckled up my shoes；And I startedHe knew； without knowing how it had happened； that he lay on the floor； in the dusty space beforethe altar which he and Elisha had cleaned； and knew that above him burned the yellow light whichhe had himself switched on。 Dust was in his nostrils； sharp and terrible； and the feet of saints；shaking the floor beneath him； raised small clouds of dust that filmed his mouth。 He heard theircries； so far； so high above him–he could never rise that far。 He was like a rock； a dead man’sbody； a dying bird； fallen from an awful height； something that had no power of itself； any more；to turn。
And something moved in John’s body which was not John。 He was invaded； set at naught；possessed。 This power had struck John； in the head or in the heart； and； in a moment； wholly；filling him with an anguish that he could never in his life have imagined； that he surely could notendure； that even now he could not believe； had opened him up； had cracked him open； as woodbeneath the axe cracks down the middle； as rocks break up； had ripped him and felled him in amoment； so that John had not felt the wound； but only the agony； had not felt the fall； but only thefear； and lay here； now； helpless； screaming； at the very bottom of darkness。
He wanted to rise—a malicious； ironic voice insisted that he rise—and； at once； to leave histemple and go out into the world。
He wanted to obey the voice； which was the only voice that spoke to him； he tried to assurethe voice that he would do his best to rise； he would only lie here a moment； after his dreadful fall；and catch his breath。 It was at this moment； precisely； that he found he could not rise； something had happened to his arms； his legs； his feet—ah； something had happened to John！ and he began toscream again in his great； bewildered terror； and felt himself； indeed； begin to move—not upward；toward the light； but down again； a sickness in his bowels； a tightening in his loin…strings； he felthimself turning； again and again； across the dusty floor； as though God’s toe had touched himlightly。 And the dust made him cough and retch； in his turning the centre of the whole earthshifted； making of space a sheer void and a mockery of order； and balance； and time。 Nothingremained： all was swallowed up in chaos。 And： Is this it？ John’s terrified soul inquired—What isit？—to no purpose； receiving no answer。 Only the ironic voice insisted yet once more that he risefrom the filthy floor if he did not want to bee like all the other niggers。
Then he anguish subsided for a moment； as water withdraws briefly to dash itself oncemore against the rocks： he knew that it subsided only to return。 And he coughed and sobbed in thedusty space before the altar； lying on his face。 And still he was going down； farther and fartherfrom the joy； the singing； and the light above him。
He tried； but in such despair！—the utter darkness does not present any point of departure；contains no beginning； and no end—to rediscover； and； as it were； to trap and hold tightly in thepalm of his hand； the moment preceding his fall； his change。 But that moment was also locked indarkness； was wordless； and should not e forth。 He remembered only the cross： he had turnedagain to kneel at the altar； and had faced the golden cross。 And the Holy Ghost was speaking—seeming to say； as John spelled out the so abruptly present and gigantic legend adorning the cross：
Jesus Saves。 He had stared to this； an awful bitterness in his heart； wanting to curse—and the Spiritspoke； and spoke in him。 Yes： there was Elisha； speaking from the floor； and his father； silent； athis back。 In his heart there was a sudden yearning tenderness for holy Elisha； desire； sharp andawful as a reflecting knife； to usurp the body of Elisha； and lie where Elisha lay； to speak intongues； as Elisha spoke； and； with that authority； to confound his father。 Yet this had not been themoment； it was as far back as he could go； but the secret； the turning； the abysmal drop was fartherback； in darkness。 As he cursed his father； as he loved Elisha； he had； even then； been weeping； hehad already passed his moment； was already under the power； had been struck； and was goingdownAh； down！—and to what purpose； where？ To the bottom of the sea； the bowels of the earth；to the heart of the fiery furnace？ Into a dungeon deeper than Hell； into a madness louder than thegrave？ What trumpet sound would awaken him； what hand would lift him up？ For he knew； as hewas struck again； and screamed again； his throat like burning ashes； and