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others with which I had often been reproached。 To hear all this ， Wilhelm，
uttered by her in a voice of the most sincere sympathy， awakened all
my passions ； and I am still in a state of extreme excitement。 I wish
I could find a man to jeer me about this event。 I would sacrifice him
to my resentment。 The sight of his blood might possibly be a relief to
my fury。 A hundred times have I seized a dagger ， to give ease to this
oppressed heart。 Naturalists tell of a noble race of horses that instinctively
open a vein with their teeth， when heated and exhausted by a long course，
in order to breathe more freely。 I am often tempted to open a vein， to
procure for myself everlasting liberty。
MARCH 24。 I have tendered my resignation to the court。 I hope it will
be accepted ， and you will forgive me for not having previously consulted
you。 It is necessary I should leave this place。 I know all you will urge
me to stay， and therefore I beg you will soften this news to my mother。
I am unable to do anything for myself ： how， then ， should I be petent
to assist others？ It will afflict her that I should have interrupted
that career which would have made me first a privy councillor ， and then
minister， and that I should look behind me ， in place of advancing。
Argue as you will ， bine all the reasons which should have induced
me to remain， I am going ： that is sufficient。 But， that you may not
be ignorant of my destination ， I may mention that the Prince of ——
is here。 He is much pleased with my pany ； and， having heard of my
intention to resign ， he has invited me to his country house ， to pass
the spring months with him。 I shall be left pletely my own master；
and ， as we agree on all subjects but one， I shall try my fortune ，
and acpany him。
APRIL l9。 Thanks for both your letters。 I delayed my reply， and withheld
this letter ， till I should obtain an answer from the court。 I feared
my mother might apply to the minister to defeat my purpose。 But my request
is granted， my resignation is accepted。 I shall not recount with what
reluctance it was accorded， nor relate what the minister has written
： you would only renew your lamentations。 The crown prince has sent me
a present of five and twenty ducats ； and， indeed ， such goodness has
affected me to tears。 For this reason I shall not require from my mother
the money for which I lately applied。
MAY 5。 I leave this place to…morrow ； and， as my native place is
only six miles from the high road ， I intend to visit it once more ，
and recall the happy dreams of my childhood。 I shall enter at the same
gate through which I came with my mother， when ， after my father's death，
she left that delightful retreat to immure herself in your melancholy
town。 Adieu ， my dear friend ： you shall hear of my future career。
MAY 9。 I have paid my visit to my native place with all the devotion
of a pilgrim， and have experienced many unexpected emotions。 Near the
great elm tree， which is a quarter of a league from the village， I got
out of the carriage ， and sent it on before， that alone ， and on foot，
I might enjoy vividly and heartily all the pleasure of my recollections。
I stood there under that same elm which was formerly the term and object
of my walks。 How things have since changed！ Then ， in happy ignorance，
I sighed for a world I did not know ， where I hoped to find every pleasure
and enjoyment which my heart could desire ； and now， on my return from
that wide world ， O my friend， how many disappointed hopes and unsuccessful
plans have I brought back ！
As I contemplated the mountains which lay stretched out before me ，
I thought how often they had been the object of my dearest desires。 Here
used I to sit for hours together with my eyes bent upon them， ardently
longing to wander in the shade of those woods ， to lose myself in those
valleys ， which form so delightful an object in the distance。 With what
reluctance did I leave this charming spot ； when my hour of recreation
was over， and my leave of absence expired！ I drew near to the village
： all the well…known old summerhouses and gardens were recognised again
； I disliked the new ones， and all other alterations which had taken
place。 I entered the village， and all my former feelings returned。 I
cannot， my dear friend ， enter into details ， charming as were my sensations
： they would be dull in the narration。 I had intended to lodge in the
market…place， near our old house。 As soon as I entered ， I perceived
that the schoolroom ， where our childhood had been taught by that good
old woman ， was converted into a shop。 I called to mind the sorrow ，
the heaviness ， the tears， and oppression of heart， which I experienced
in that confinement。 Every step produced some particular impression。 A
pilgrim in the Holy Land does not meet so many spots pregnant with tender
recollections ， and his soul is hardly moved with greater devotion。 One
incident will serve for illustration。 I followed the course of a stream
to a farm ， formerly a delightful walk of mine ， and paused at the spot，
where ， when boys， we used to amuse ourselves making ducks and drakes
upon the water。 I recollected so well how I used formerly to watch the
course of that same stream， following it with inquiring eagerness， forming
romantic ideas of the countries it was to pass through； but my imagination
was soon exhausted： while the water continued flowing farther and farther
on， till my fancy became bewildered by the contemplation of an invisible
distance。 Exactly such， my dear friend ， so happy and so confined ，
were the thoughts of our good ancestors。 Their feelings and their poetry
were fresh as childhood。 And， when Ulysses talks of the immeasurable
sea and boundless earth ， his epithets are true， natural， deeply felt，
and mysterious。 Of what importance is it that I have learned， with every
schoolboy ， that the world is round？ Man needs but little earth for
enjoyment ， and still less for his final repose。
I am at present with the prince at his hunting lodge。 He is a man
with whom on