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OCTOBER 19。 Alas！ the void the fearful void， which I feel in my
bosom ！ Sometimes I think， if I could only once but once， press her
to my heart ， this dreadful void would be filled。
OCTOBER 26。 Yes ， I feel certain ， Wilhelm， and every day I bee
more certain， that the existence of any being whatever is of very little
consequence。 A friend of Charlotte's called to see her just now。 I withdrew
into a neighbouring apartment ， and took up a book ； but， finding I
could not read， I sat down to write。 I heard them converse in an undertone
： they spoke upon indifferent topics ， and retailed the news of the
town。 One was going to be married ； another was ill， very ill ， she
had a dry cough ， her face was growing thinner daily ， and she had occasional
fits。 〃N—— is very unwell too ，〃 said Charlotte。 〃His limbs begin to
swell already ，〃 answered the other； and my lively imagination carried
me at once to the beds of the infirm。 There I see them struggling against
death ， with all the agonies of pain and horror； and these women， Wilhelm，
talk of all this with as much indifference as one would mention the death
of a stranger。 And when I look around the apartment where I now am——
when I see Charlotte's apparel lying before me， and Albert's writings，
and all those articles of furniture which are so familiar to me ， even
to the very inkstand which I am using ，—— when I think what I am to
this family —— everything。 My friends esteem me ； I often contribute
to their happiness， and my heart seems as if it could not beat without
them； and yet—— if I were to die ， if I were to be summoned from the
midst of this circle， would they feel—— or how long would they feel
the void which my loss would make in their existence？ How long ！ Yes，
such is the frailty of man， that even there， where he has the greatest
consciousness of his own being， where he makes the strongest and most
forcible impression ， even in the memory ， in the heart ， of his beloved，
there also he must perish ，—— vanish ，—— and that quickly。
OCTOBER 27。 I could tear open my bosom with vexation to think how
little we are capable of influencing the feelings of each other。 No one
can municate to me those sensations of love， joy， rapture， and delight
which I do not naturally possess； and， though my heart may glow with
the most lively affection ， I cannot make the happiness of one in whom
the same warmth is not inherent。
OCTOBER 27： Evening。 I possess so much ， but my love for her absorbs
it all。 I possess so much ， but without her I have nothing。
OCTOBER 30。 One hundred times have I been on the point of embracing
her。 Heavens！ what a torment it is to see so much loveliness passing
and repassing before us ， and yet not dare to lay hold of it ！ And laying
hold is the most natural of human instincts。 Do not children touch everything
they see？ And I！
NOVEMBER 3。 Witness ， Heaven ， how often I lie down in my bed with
a wish， and even a hope， that I may never awaken again。 And in the morning，
when I open my eyes ， I behold the sun once more ， and am wretched。
If I were whimsical ， I might blame the weather， or an acquaintance ，
or some personal disappointment ， for my discontented mind ； and then
this insupportable load of trouble would not rest entirely upon myself。
But ， alas ！ I feel it too sadly。 I am alone the cause of my own woe，
am I not？ Truly， my own bosom contains the source of all my sorrow，
as it previously contained the source of all my pleasure。 Am I not the
same being who once enjoyed an excess of happiness， who， at every step，
saw paradise open before him， and whose heart was ever expanded toward
the whole world ？ And this heart is now dead ， no sentiment can revive
it； my eyes are dry； and my senses， no more refreshed by the influence
of soft tears ， wither and consume my brain。 I suffer much ， for I have
lost the only charm of life ： that active， sacred power which created
worlds around me，—— it is no more。 When I look from my window at the
distant hills ， and behold the morning sun breaking through the mists，
and illuminating the country around ， which is still wrapped in silence，
whilst the soft stream winds gently through the willows ， which have
shed their leaves ； when glorious nature displays all her beauties before
me， and her wondrous prospects are ineffectual to extract one tear of
joy from my withered heart， I feel that in such a moment I stand like
a reprobate before heaven ， hardened ， insensible ， and unmoved。 Oftentimes
do I then bend my knee to the earth ， and implore God for the blessing
of tears， as the desponding labourer in some scorching climate prays
for the dews of heaven to moisten his parched corn。 But I feel that God
does not grant sunshine or rain to our importunate entreaties。 And oh ，
those bygone days ， whose memory now torments me ！ why were they so
fortunate ？ Because I then waited with patience for the blessings of
the Eternal ， and received his gifts with the grateful feelings of a
thankful heart。
NOVEMBER 8。 Charlotte has reproved me for my excesses ， with so much
tenderness and goodness ！ I have lately been in the habit of drinking
more wine than heretofore。 〃Don't do it ，〃 she said。 〃Think of Charlotte！
〃 〃Think of you ！〃 I answered； 〃need you bid me do so ？ Think of you
—— I do not think of you： you are ever before my soul！ This very morning
I sat on the spot where ， a few days ago ， you descended from the carriage，
and ——〃 She immediately changed the subject to prevent me from pursuing
it farther。 My dear friend， my energies are all prostrated ： she can
do with me what she pleases。
NOVEMBER 15。 I thank you， Wilhelm， for your cordial sympathy， for
your excellent advice ； and I implore you to be quiet。 Leave me to my
sufferings。 In spite of my wretchedness ， I have still strength enough
for endurance。 I revere religion—— you know I do。 I feel that it can
impart strength to the feeble and fort to the afflicted， but does
it affect all men equally ？ Consider th