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countenance。 Holding his finger to his mouth， he expressed a hope that
I would not betray him； and he then informed me that he had promised
to gather a nosegay for his mistress。 〃That is right，〃 said I。 〃Oh ！
〃 he replied， 〃she possesses many other things as well ： she is very
rich。〃 〃And yet ，〃 I continued ， 〃she likes your nosegays。〃 〃Oh ， she
has jewels and crowns ！〃 he exclaimed。 I asked who she was。 〃If the states…general
would but pay me，〃 he added， 〃I should be quite another man。 Alas ！
there was a time when I was so happy； but that is past ， and I am now
——〃 He raised his swimming eyes to heaven。 〃And you were happy once ？
〃 I observed。 〃Ah ， would I were so still！〃 was his reply。 〃I was then
as gay and contented as a man can be。〃 An old woman ， who was ing
toward us ， now called out ， 〃Henry ， Henry！ where are you？ We have
been looking for you everywhere ： e to dinner。〃 〃Is he your son ？
〃 I inquired， as I went toward her。 〃Yes ，〃 she said： 〃he is my poor，
unfortunate son。 The Lord has sent me a heavy affliction。〃 I asked whether
he had been long in this state。 She answered， 〃He has been as calm as
he is at present for about six months。 I thank Heaven that he has so far
recovered ： he was for one whole year quite raving ， and chained down
in a madhouse。 Now he injures no one， but talks of nothing else than
kings and queens。 He used to be a very good ， quiet youth， and helped
to maintain me； he wrote a very fine hand； but all at once he became
melancholy， was seized with a violent fever， grew distracted， and is
now as you see。 If I were only to tell you， sir——〃 I interrupted her
by asking what period it was in which he boasted of having been so happy。
〃Poor boy ！〃 she exclaimed ， with a smile of cormpassion， 〃he means
the time when he was pletely deranged， a time he never ceases to regret，
when he was in the madhouse ， and unconscious of everything。〃 I was thunderstruck
： I placed a piece of money in her hand， and hastened away。
〃You were happy ！〃 I exclaimed ， as I returned quickly to the town，
〃'as gay and contented as a man can be！'〃 God of heaven！ and is this
the destiny of man？ Is he only happy before he has acquired his reason，
or after he has lost it ？ Unfortunate being！ And yet I envy your fate
： I envy the delusion to which you are a victim。 You go forth with joy
to gather flowers for your princess ，—— in winter，—— and grieve
when you can find none， and cannot understand why they do not grow。 But
I wander forth without joy， without hope ， without design ； and I return
as I came。 You fancy what a man you would be if the states general paid
you。 Happy mortal ， who can ascribe your wretchedness to an earthly cause！
You do not know ， you do not feel， that in your own distracted heart
and disordered brain dwells the source of that unhappiness which all the
potentates on earth cannot relieve。
Let that man die unconsoled who can deride the invalid for undertaking
a journey to distant， healthful springs， where he often finds only a
heavier disease and a more painful death， or who can exult over the despairing
mind of a sinner， who， to obtain peace of conscience and an alleviation
of misery ， makes a pilgrimage to the Holy Sepulchre。 Each laborious
step which galls his wounded feet in rough and untrodden paths pours a
drop of balm into his troubled soul ， and the journey of many a weary
day brings a nightly relief to his anguished heart。 Will you dare call
this enthusiasm ， ye crowd of pompous declaimers ？ Enthusiasm ！ 0 God！
thou seest my tears。 Thou hast allotted us our portion of misery： must
we also have brethren to persecute us ， to deprive us of our consolation，
of our trust in thee， and in thy love and mercy？ For our trust in the
virtue of the healing root， or in the strength of the vine ， what is
it else than a belief in thee from whom all that surrounds us derives
its healing and restoring powers？ Father ， whom I know not，—— who
wert once wont to fill my soul， but who now hidest thy face from me，
—— call me back to thee ； be silent no longer； thy silence shall not
delay a soul which thirsts after thee。 What man ， what father， could
be angry with a son for returning to him suddenly ， for falling on his
neck， and exclaiming ， 〃I am here again ， my father！ forgive me if
I have anticipated my journey ， and returned before the appointed time！
The world is everywhere the same，—— a scene of labour and pain ， of
pleasure and reward ； but what does it all avail ？ I am happy only where
thou art， and in thy presence am I content to suffer or enjoy。〃 And wouldst
thou， heavenly Father， banish such a child from thy presence？
DECEMBER 1。 Wilhelm ， the man about whom I wrote to you—— that
man so enviable in his misfortunes—— was secretary to Charlotte's father
； and an unhappy passion for her which he cherished， concealed， and
at length discovered， caused him to be dismissed from his situation。
This made him mad。 Think， whilst you peruse this plain narration ， what
an impression the circumstance has made upon me ！ But it was related
to me by Albert with as much calmness as you will probably peruse it。
DECEMBER 4。 I implore your attention。 It is all over with me。 I can
support this state no longer。 To…day I was sitting by Charlotte。 She was
playing upon her piano a succession of delightful melodies， with such
intense expression！ Her little sister was dressing her doll upon my lap。
The tears came into my eyes。 I leaned down， and looked intently at her
wedding…ring： my tears fell—— immediately she began to play that favourite，
that divine ， air which has so often enchanted me。 I felt fort from
a recollection of the past， of those bygone days when that air was familiar
to me ； and then I recalled all the sorrows and the disappointments which
I had since endured。 I paced with hasty strides through the room， my
heart became convulsed with painful emotions。 At length I went up to her，
and exclaimed With eagerness， 〃For Heaven's sake ， play that air no
longer！〃 She stopped ，