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when she speaks of her betrothed with so much warmth and affection， I
feel like the soldier who has been stripped of his honours and titles ，
and deprived of his sword。
JULY 16。 How my heart beats when by accident I touch her finger ，
or my feet meet hers under the table！ I draw back as if from a furnace
； but a secret force impels me forward again ， and my senses bee
disordered。 Her innocent， unconscious heart never knows what agony these
little familiarities inflict upon me。 Sometimes when we are talking she
Iays her hand upon mine ， and in the eagerness of conversation es
closer to me， and her balmy breath reaches my lips ，—— when I feel
as if lightning had struck me ， and that I could sink into the earth。
And yet ， Wilhelm， with all this heavenly confidence，—— if I know
myself， and should ever dare —— you understand me。 No， no ！ my heart
is not so corrupt ， it is weak ， weak enough but is not that a degree
of corruption ？
She is to me a sacred being。 All passion is still in her presence
： I cannot express my sensations when I am near her。 I feel as if my
soul beat in every nerve of my body。 There is a melody which she plays
on the piano with angelic skill ，—— so simple is it， and yet so spiritual！
It is her favourite air ； and， when she plays the first note， all pain，
care， and sorrow disappear from me in a moment。
I believe every word that is said of the magic of ancient music。 How
her simple song enchants me ！ Sometimes， when I am ready to mit suicide，
she sings that air； and instantly the gloom and madness which hung over
me are dispersed， and I breathe freely again。
JULY 18。 Wilhelm， what is the world to our hearts without love ？
What is a magic…lantern without light ？ You have but to kindle the flame
within， and the brightest figures shine on the white wall； and， if
love only show us fleeting shadows， we are yet happy ， when ， like
mere children ， we behold them ， and are transported with the splendid
phantoms。 I have not been able to see Charlotte to…day。 I was prevented
by pany from which I could not disengage myself。 What was to be done？
I sent my servant to her house， that I might at least see somebody to…day
who had been near her。 Oh ， the impatience with which I waited for his
return！ the joy with which I weled him！ I should certainly have caught
him in my arms， and kissed him ， if I had not been ashamed。
It is said that the Bonona stone， when placed in the sun ， attracts
the rays， and for a time appears luminous in the dark。 So was it with
me and this servant。 The idea that Charlotte's eyes had dwelt on his countenance，
his cheek ， his very apparel ， endeared them all inestimably to me，
so that at the moment I would not have parted from him for a thousand
crowns。 His presence made me so happy ！ Beware of laughing at me ， Wilhelm。
Can that be a delusion which makes us happy ？
JULY 19。 〃I shall see her today ！〃 I exclaim with delight， when
I rise in the morning ， and look out with gladness of heart at the bright，
beautiful sun。 〃I shall see her today ！〃 And then I have no further wish
to form ： all， all is included in that one thought。
JULY 2O。 I cannot assent to your proposal that I should acpany
the ambassador to _______。 I do not love subordination； and we all know
that he is a rough， disagreeable person to be connected with。 You say
my mother wishes me to be employed。 I could not help laughing at that。
Am I not sufficiently employed？ And is it not in reality the same， whether
I shell peas or count lentils ？ The world runs on from one folly to another
； and the man who， solely from regard to the opinion of others， and
without any wish or necessity of his own， toils after gold ， honour ，
or any other phantom， is no better than a fool。
JULY 24。 You insist so much on my not neglecting my drawing ， that
it would be as well for me to say nothing as to confess how little I have
lately done。
I never felt happier， I never understood nature better ， even down
to the veriest stem or smallest blade of grass； and yet I am unable to
express myself： my powers of execution are so weak ， everything seems
to swim and float before me ， so that I cannot make a clear， bold outline。
But I fancy I should succeed better if I had some clay or wax to model。
I shall try ， if this state of mind continues much longer， and will
take to modelling ， if I only knead dough。
I have menced Charlotte's portrait three times ， and have as often
disgraced myself。 This is the more annoying ， as I was formerly very
happy in taking likenesses。 I have since sketched her profile ， and must
content myself with that。
JULY 25。 Yes， dear Charlotte ！ I will order and arrange everything。
Only give me more missions ， the more the better。 One thing ， however，
I must request： use no more writing…sand with the dear notes you send
me。 Today I raised your letter hastily to my lips ， and it set my teeth
on edge。
JULY 26。 I have often determined not to see her so frequently。 But
who could keep such a resolution？ Every day I am exposed to the temptation，
and promise faithfully that to…morrow I will really stay away ： but，
when tomorrow es ， I find some irresistible reason for seeing her
； and， before I can account for it， I am with her again。 Either she
has said on the previous evening 〃You will be sure to call to…morrow，
〃 —— and who could stay away then ？——or she gives me some mission，
and I find it essential to take her the answer in person； or the day
is fine ， and I walk to Walheim； and， when I am there， it is only
half a league farther to her。 I am within the charmed atmosphere， and
soon find myself at her side。 My grandmother used to tell us a story of
a mountain of loadstone。 When any vessels came near it， they were instantly
deprived of their ironwork： the nails flew to the mountain ， and the
unhappy crew perished amidst the disjointed planks。
JULY 30。 Albert is arrived， and I must take my departure。 Were he
the best and noblest of men ， and I in every respect